Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
