Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Randomize
