She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
