I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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