i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Randomize
