When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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