The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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