Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
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He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
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"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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