last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
