I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Randomize
