im six kinds of drunk right now
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
