I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
even my farts smell like vagina
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
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