I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
