We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Randomize
