genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
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they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
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