I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
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