Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
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