i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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