That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Randomize
