I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
