Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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