I think I won the penis lottery.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
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While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
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I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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