um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
zippers are such a cool invention
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
