hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
