Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I checked into jail on foursquare
porn star boner night. come get it.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
