just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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