i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
