I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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