what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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