If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
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