I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Randomize
