My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
