Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
