In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
