She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
