I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.