frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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