so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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