The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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