I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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