Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
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