I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
