I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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