Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I can tuck mytits in my pants
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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