Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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