It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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