Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
These 19 Underage Drinkers Epicly Got By With A Horrible Fake ID
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
These Are The 21 Strangest Sexual Fantasy Confessions
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today