My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex