For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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