Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
