I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Randomize
