I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
