i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
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