So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Randomize
